Matthew of the IHOP Restroom Part III

The Path of Desire and the Path of Necessity were special places. To Matthew, it looked like a nature trail. But to the people on the planet of Stroganoff, it was so much more. The Path of Necessity would read your mind and give you what you truly needed. You’re hungry; the path would provide for you a sandwich; or some other form of sustenance long enough to get by. The Path of Desire had the same function only, for the same need, hungry in this situation, cake and ice cream would be provided. It is written that the Path knows what the heart desires; but the brain is stupid.
“That is a lame saying,” Matthew said to Klaper after Klaper told Matthew the exact same saying I just said to you.
“You have no idea some of the things people have wished for when they’ve entered the Path of Desire,” Klaper said. “A chosen one that we got eight years ago made a wish that this place would be known as the land of Nude. And so therefore, all the legal documents were automatically changed for this land to be known as the land of Nude. He was kind of a pervert.”
“Why did you never change it back?” Matthew asked.
“Before that chosen one was killed in battle, a law was passed to keep the Path of Desire from changing the names of places so since then; it’s just been the Land of Nude.”
Klaper didn’t want to go into detail about the law but the simple fact of the matter was that the land’s name had been changed several times in its history. The very first name ever given to the land was the Land of Peace and Tranquility. This lasted until the very first chosen one arrived from the 3rd dimension who decided to call it The Land of Boredom. Later, the name got changed to the Land of Your Anus (which seemed to make sense in the guy’s mind then but had no real relevance to anything) and various other rude and crude names before becoming the Land of Nude.
“Well, go ahead,” Klaper said, “make a wish or three.”
Matthew had three things on his mind that he desired. For starters, he desperately wanted to relieve himself since the last time he went to use the restroom, he got swooped out of his dimension and brought to this very odd place. He was also hungry and wanted a decent breakfast. And above all else, he wanted to have a girl who was just like his beloved Katie Waller in everyway…nothing really special about that one since she was on his mind all the time anyway.
As luck would have it, right there in the middle of the path, without out saying anything at all, a nice clean restroom appeared that looked like it came straight from a hotel room. After he went in, used it, and was able to wash his hands (which is significant because had he been on the Path of Necessity, he may have just simply gotten a Johnny on the Spot) he came out to an enormous breakfast that looked like it was set for world leaders. He sat down at the table, invited Klaper to sit down and they began to have breakfast. Then, five minutes into breakfast, Matthew heard the voice of a young woman.
“Hello, can someone get me down from here?!” cried the girls voice. The voice came from up in a tree. Klaper gave Matthew a look like what all did you wish for while Matthew looked for some rope or something.
Matthew quickly found a ladder that just appeared since he needed something that would get the young woman down from a tree and the ladder was the greatest possible tool for getting the woman down. Okay, well, the ladder was diamond studded so that probably added to the extravagance as opposed to the need.
As the young woman came down, Matthew looked right at her and said, “Katie, Katie Waller?!” Matthew thought she looked everything like Katie: blue-green eyes, the perfectly shaped nose that seemed to round at the bottom and the tip, the long flowing brown hair, the lips that made her look gorgeous without making her look skanky, the breast…
“No, I’m not your beloved Katie Waller,” said the girl with a hint of rage that turned into mild but annoyed sarcasm. “I’m just like her in everyway.”
“Who are you?” asked Klaper, “and what are you doing here?”
“My name is Mary Ann Stein,” the young woman said, “I was sent here to you, Matthew of the IHOP Restroom by a combination of the Path and the Wishing Star and a few other heavenly beings and, no Matthew of the IHOP restroom, while my name is Mary Ann Stein, I’m not related to Frankenstein.”
“Wait,” said Matthew, “the Path has a wishing star?”
The Path did in deed have a wishing star. Some wishes are greater than the Path can provide. The Path could only provide inanimate objects. When a wish calls for a living, breathing person, one must go, investigate said person, find the heavenly being that was most compatible, Mary in this case, and present them in the form of the person asked for.
“So, you’re a star of some sort?” Matthew asked.
“More like a wind Gnome, I kind of…float around on the wind like a steam or a gas or something like that,” Mary said. “So, McAmsterdam, have you told IHOP Restroom over here what he’s the chosen one for yet?”
“I wish everyone would stop calling me that name!” Matthew said. “I go to IHOP Once at three in the morning, go to use the restroom and all of a sudden, I’m Matthew of the IHOP Restroom!”
“Yeah, basically,” Mary said.
“I have not,” Klaper said, “I’ve been trying to avoid it.”
“Yeah, about that,” Matthew said, “why am I here? You won’t give me valuable information because I’m an outsider and so far, everyone you’ve gotten from my dimension has died more than likely with a lack of knowledge. Why can’t you just tell me what I need to know? I don’t want to just simply die without any knowing either what it’s really for or how to prevent it.”
“You know, you dieing would actually work out well for me,” Mary said. “I can get back to my wind Gnomeing business.”
“You know, Mary Ann, what’s your deal? Why are you like that?” Matthew said. “If you’re everything like Katie Waller, you should be sweet and pleasant and fair and…”
Mary stopped him by scoffing at his ridiculous notions. When Matthew questioned why she scoffed, she asked, “do you know anything about this Katie Waller of whom you speak? You’re speaking like some gallant knight of the middle ages of your dimension who’s practicing the art of courtly love but in reality, you don’t know anything about her. Do you?!”
“I do so,” he exclaimed. “I know that she’s in an English class with me and that she’s hot.”
Klaper got out of the way because he knew that this was one subject that he didn’t want to be involved in. Matthew heisted because he knew that Mary was right. She was picked because psychologically, she was the most like Katie Waller. So she probably knew that there was more to her than he knew.
“You can’t go basing who you fall in love with based on the fact that they’re hot!” Mary exclaimed, “Trust me on this. I knew of a commit that fell in love with a distant star once. And you know what happened to the commit? It melted. That’s because commits are made of ice and stars are hot. So, I ask you if you know anything else about this Katie of yours…”
Matthew had absolutely nothing. Mary cursed the wishing star for getting her stuck as being the love interest of some guy who knew nothing of the love interest she was portraying other than the fact that she was hot…oh, and they had a class together. Klaper, who came out from hiding, decided maybe it was time to go ahead and tell Matthew about the impending battle that could potentially kill him. That should lighten things up a bit, he thought.