Matthew of the IHOP Restroom part VI

Captain Bill’s ship sprouted propellers from the deck which started to swing around and around like the propellers of a helicopter. This caused the captain’s ship to lift above the water and take flight. Matthew had never seen anything like it. He wanted to say he saw something similar to it in a movie but he couldn’t because he hadn’t. He was equally surprised to see that the ship covered itself in metal once it got up to about 2 miles above the planet. It the ship took on the form of a space ship. The ship was no longer a sea port ship or an air ship but a flying saucer.
“So, the ship can fly and it can go up into space?” Matthew cried. “Is this even possible?”
“Oh please,” Mary said, who was really the only one who noticed Matthew’s peeked interest in all things ships taking flight…or whatever it would be called; “you’re just not thinking 18th dimensionally. All pirate ships can fly into the air and into space.”
“Really?” Matthew inquired. “I guess that would explain why the holy treasury is relying on captains like your uncle to fight there battles.”
“Well,” Mary said, “IHOP Restroom over here has finally figured one out on his own.”
Matthew was either flattered or insulted…or maybe a mixture of both. It was the first assumption he had made that was correct. Then, he remembered that it was already stated by Captain Bill that they were a pirate ship and they were at war. So he figured Mary was just being sarcastic with him. If that were true, he thought, it wouldn’t surprise him. But before he could fully decide whether Mary was being sincere or sarcastic, he looked out the window and noticed that they had reached space. In the distance, he saw a ship that he only assumed belong to the Shipgoes. A shipmate came in the room and said that the captain wished to see them on deck.
Matthew and Mary followed the shipmate to what Matthew assumed to be the bridge. As they got there, another shipmate said something to the captain about the Shipgoes trying to communicate as they appeared on a screen in the front of the room. This was the first time that Matthew saw a Shipgoe and the first thing he noticed was that they looked like giant rats. They said something to the captain that didn’t make any sense to Matthew. It was nothing but a bunch of squeaking.
“Rodent talk will get you nowhere with me,” Captain Bill said to them.
“I don’t have the proper translation track down, Captain,” said another shipmate, “I’ve got it…now.”
“Hopefully, now we can understand each other,” Captain Bill said. “Iiiiiieeeee am Captain Bill of sea, air and space ship ENVOY.” The captain’s ship being named after a Warren Zevon album intrigued Matthew. But what made him smile and caused him to have to hold back a laugh was how the rat-appearing shipgoes responded.
“Oh great, we got the pirate who emphasizes the I!” one said but trying to look as though he didn’t say that. “We came for the Holy Grail, Captain, where is it?”
“Iiiiieeeee have no holy grail on miiiiieeeeee ship. Nor is it on the planet. You will have to look elsewhere.” The Captain said.
One of the Shipgoes spotted Matthew and said to the other, “look, behind the captain, it’s the Chosen One! It’s Matthew of the IHOP Restroom!” All the Shipgoes in the screen looked at each other. Matthew was worried. So was the Captain because somehow, he hadn’t even seen it coming. “ATTACK!” yelled the Shipgoe who had spotted Matthew.
“FIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE-RE CANNONS!” cried Captain Bill. He turned to Matthew and Mary. He saw that Matthew had a questioning look on his face. “It’s okay,” he said to Matthew, “cannons can be fiiiieeee-red in space. They just have to be shot with enough force. Anyway, you shouldn’t be worried about that riiiiiieeeeee-ght now.
“I wasn’t worried about that. If I was home in the third dimension, I would question the science. But I’m not a scientist. All I’m worried about is getting out of here,” Matthew said.
“Matthew,” Mary cried, “you need to go back to the third dimension to get their holy grail. I saw the plans for it in Uncle Bill’s quarters. What they seek can only be found in the third dimension.”
Matthew was intrigued. Not that it was starting to make sense to him, but it was the first time that Mary had called him Matthew…just Matthew…no IHOP Restroom or anything like that. But after spending five seconds thinking about that, he realized that he had no idea what to look for when he got there, how to get back there, or even how he would come back to deliver the holy grail to the Shipgoes.
“I don’t know how to get back. Klaper never said anything about it,” Matthew said. “I don’t even know what to look for.”
“I’ll go with you,” Mary said.
“Are you sure?” Matthew asked.
“You currently own me. Remember?” Mary said. “I doubt I really have any say in the matter.”
“Oh yeah,” Matthew said. “I guess I kind of forgot.” It was strange how Matthew had forgotten that very important matter over which they had just been arguing pretty much the entire day up to that point. But since the Shipgoes started attacking THE ENVOY, there isn’t anymore time to talk about Matthew and Mary arguing. Both sides were fighting mad.
“Iiiiieeeee’ve got a portal opener on this ship. It’s down in the cargo hold. Iiiieee never had any need for it. Someone sold it to me in exchange for a three copies of the song ‘Just What Iiiieeee Needed’; one biiiieeee The Cars, one biiiieeee Sister Hazel and one biiiieeee Poison.” Matthew agreed so the Captain took them down to the cargo hold. But as they were heading down, seven Shipgoes spontaneously appeared on the ship. They were trying to capture Matthew but the shipmates held them off. “We’d better hurry,” the Captain said.
They made it down to the cargo hold and the captain dug it out and turned it on. It started to swirl around. They started to enter when the captain said to Matthew, “take care of miiieee niece. Got it?” Matthew agreed and they step through…but not before they heard him scream in attack. It was too late to actually do anything because at that exact moment, they found themselves right outside of the IHOP restroom.
“Alright Matthew!” shouted Jim and Dan, “coming out of the restroom with a hot chick!”
Matthew looked at a clock that said it was 3:05am. He realized that nothing had changed. The only difference was that Mary was with him this time. “So he looked at her and said, “Don’t mind them, they’re drunk.”
“Hey Matthew,” Dan shouted, “I just scored a hot date with that little number right over there.”
Matthew looked over to see that it was the vacuum cleaner he tried hitting on earlier. “That’s a vacuum cleaner, Dan.” He said. “Anyway, we don’t have time for this.”
“We need that canister of red liquid,” Mary said.
“We need Strawberry syrup?” Matthew asked.
“Yes, and we need to take it to a place called Lawrence, Kansas.”