Matthew of the IHOP Restroom Part V

Matthew was worried. The thing that stuck most on his mind was getting called Matthew of the IHOP restroom even more than he already was getting called. Then, the sudden terror of knowing that whoever this pirate was, he knew Mary. He had no idea how the pirate would react to him “owning” her. He decided to focus on the mission at hand which, in itself, was shrouded in mystery. He didn’t know if he was supposed to attack the Shipgoes, wait for them to attack, or find their holy grail for them? He froze in thought when he met the pirate who came out and introduced himself.
“Iiiieeeee am Captain Bill Stein! And who be you?” Captain Bill said. He didn’t look much like what Matthew would expect a pirate to look like. He did have a red bandana on and a pirate’s hat. But he wore what look like a band tee-shirt from a concert and also wore some jeans and some sandals. Matthew was also intrigued by the fact that he enunciated the “I” when he introduced himself as opposed to using a roaring “R” like all pirates did. He decided to wait until he knew that he was on the Captain’s good side before he asked such a question.
“I am Matthew,” he started to say, stuttering a little.
“Matthew,” interrupted Captain Bill, “of the Iiiieeeeee Hop Restroom?!” No one ever would expect to see you here meeting a piiiieeeee-rat! How exciiiieeee-ting it is for me that you chose this vessel! Who brought you?”
“That would be me, uncle Bill,” Mary said.
“Mary Ann!” Captain Bill exclaimed. “You’re in human form too? This is great! Please, both of you, come into miiiiieeeeee quarters.”
“It’s not as great as you may think, Uncle Bill,” Mary said as they walked into the captain’s quarters. “I didn’t choose this for myself. It was chosen for me.”
Captain Bill look confused. So Matthew went ahead and told him. “I might as well be the one to tell you since it was my doing anyway. I was at the Path of Desire and somehow I made a wish that I could have a girl who was just like this one girl in a class I have in everyway. As it turned out, Mary Ann was the most compatible with this Katie Waller back in my dimension.”
“Well,” Mary said, “don’t forget to mention the fact that she’s the hottest girl you know and that’s all you know about her.”
“Well, Iiiiieeeee guess that would suck,” Captain Bill said. “But I guess it would be better off in the long run for right now.” This shocked both Mary and Matthew who shouted out “WHAT?!?!?!” at the same time. Captain Bill looked at Matthew and said, “Iiiieeeee can’t condemn you, Matthew of the Iiiiieeeeee-Hop restroom. You’re a human of the third dimension. You have a thing or two to learn, especially the difference between love and lust. So, for the tiiiiieeee-me being anyway, you own miiiieeeee niece. Iiiiiiieeeeeee don’t have to liiiiieeeeke it, but don’t you hurt her.” When the captain saw Mary pout, he turned to her and said, “Well, let’s face it. You could learn something from this too. After all, let’s face it, you honestly are kiiiieeee-nd of a jerk to others.”
“Uncle Bill,” Mary cried “I need to speak my mind.”
“Oh, there is no problem with speaking you’re miiiieeee-nd. But you don’t have to be a blatant jerk about it.”
“Okay, fine,” Mary said. She turned to Matthew and said, “Matthew of the IHOP restroom, I’m…” she stuttered. “I’m sorry for being a jerk. You’re obviously too much infatuated with this Katie Waller to think strait.” She paused long enough to change her tone. “But I’m still not your biggest fan.”
“I have enough fans here in the 18th dimension. At least you see me for what I really am. And I’m sorry for taking you from your world the way I did. Oh, and I’m not particularly too fond of you either. But we are stuck with each other for a while,” Matthew said, trying his best to make a peaceful front with Mary. For the present, peace was made. With their quarreling behind them, Matthew decided to ask Captain Bill what kind of pirate he was. His ship was a submarine, a ship, an air ship and a spaceship. But every kind of pirate Matthew would ask about, the answer was no. When he couldn’t think of anymore, he finally just asked the captain what kind of pirate he was.
“Iiiiieeeee’m a music piiiieeeee-rat. Iiiiieeeee’m involved with music piiiiieeeee-racy,” he said. Matthew looked stunned. “Look Matthew of the Iiiiiieeeee-hop restroom, here in the 18th dimension, music pretty much comes along on the wind. It’s from a combination of the 9th, 12th and 15th dimension that we get music.”
“But why music piracy?” Matthew asked.
“Put it like this, do you have any iiiiiieeee-dea what artist liiiiieeeeke Elton John, Pat Benatar and Warren Zevon go for?” Captain Bill asked.
Matthew raised an eyebrow. “Did you just say Warren Zevon?” he asked.
“Iiiiiieeeee got 250 platinum coins for the song ‘Werewolves of London’. Very iiiiieeeee-ronic how hard it comes by considering that was a number one hit in the 3rd dimension,” Captain Bill said.
“Oh, don’t get me started,” Matthew said. “‘Werewolves’ wasn’t even his best song. It’s a fun song, don’t get me wrong. But he’s got so many better songs!”
“Iiiiieeeee know, Matthew of the Iiiiieeeee-hop restroom,” Captain Bill said, “why he’s only my favorite artist of all time.”
Matthew could talk all day long about Warren Zevon with Captain Bill. The only thing he knew better than the entire library of Warren Zevon’s music would be how to make a peanut butter milkshake. But at the moment, he really wanted to know why Captain Bill put all his enunciation on the long “I”s as opposed to the “R”s.
“All piiiieeeee-rats enunciate the ‘R’s and Iiiiieeeee liiiiieeeeke to go against the grain. So Iiiiiieeee go with the ‘Iiiieeeee’ instead of the ‘R’. Simple as that, riiiiieeee-te?”
“Excuse me, Uncle Bill,” Mary said, “I hate to interrupt this love fest you’ve got going on, really I do,” she said more with sarcasm than sincerity, “but we are actually on a mission; a quest rather.”
“I was sent here,” Matthew said, “to help with a battle against the Shipgoes. I’ve been told that they seek a ‘holy grail’ that no one on the planet of stroganoff knows what it looks like and since their fundamentalist in their religion; they’re ready to kill for it. And I believe I’m here either to do battle with them or to find it for them.”
“We were actually hoping that you would know something about what it looked like or how to find it,” Mary said.
Captain Bill was just about to say something when one of the ship’s crew came into the Captain’s quarters and announced that there was a Shipgoes ship that was trying to get one of their main communication satellites…which as it would turn out, was how Captain Bill wound up getting about 40% of the music because there was an inter-dimensional portal that linked to a communication satellite in the 3rd dimension.
“Sorry, you two,” Captain Bill said, “Iiiiieeeee think Iiiiiieeeee may be able to help you. But first, we’ve got a battle on our hands. This may be a piiiiiieeee-rat ship but we are at war.” With that, Captain Bill gave the order to send the ship into the air and then, into space.