Matthew of the IHOP Restroom Part IV

“Matthew,” Kalper said, “I think it’s about time that I told you what the situation is with the battle.”
“Really,” Matthew began, “right now, I’d like to find a way to get rid of Mary Ann over here.”
“I’ll have you know that the feeling is quite mutual,” Mary said. “I’d like to get away from him also. But here’s the problem: He wished specifically ‘to have a girl who was just like his beloved Katie Waller in everyway’. I know because that’s what the wishing star told me and the wishing star makes a living out of careful listening to desires.”
“You wished specifically to have a girl that was just like her in everyway?” Klaper asked.
“Do you have to…” Matthew began. He was going to ask why Klaper had to rub it in but then he was more intrigued by something else. “Why did you put the emphasis on the word ‘have’ like that?”
“Well, then,” Klaper said, “there’s not really anything that can be done. The wishing star, because of your wish, gave you Mary Ann. She is yours until you die. You own her.”
“This was not what I asked for! I didn’t even know I made the wish! She’s just on my mind…” Matthew paused because he finally understood the proverb Klaper told him about the path knowing what the heart desires but the brain is stupid. “…I think I finally got that proverb you told me.”
“So Klaper told you the proverb about the brain and you didn’t listen to him?!?!” Mary cried. “That’s just great. Now I’m yours until you die.”
When in the Path of Desire, if one asks specifically for a person, then either that person or an embodiment of that person is literally given to them by the wishing star as their property kind of like a gift. This person must remain with this person as though on a leash; chained to the wisher’s hand and this last until the owner dies. Mary actually has a lifespan of about 765 earth years and was really only 20 earth years. She would outlive Matthew a long time and will be able to go about wind-gnoming for centuries after Matthew dies. However, wind-gnomes can’t be touched, Mary, in human form, could. This added to her despise for Matthew.
“Matthew of the IHOP Restroom,” Mary said, “you may own me at the moment time; but I want you to know that I hate you, despise you and loath you with every core of my human-form body.
“Yeah, well, guess what Mary Ann,” Matthew said, “the feeling is mutual. I don’t even know what your issue is. I didn’t ask for this!”
“Oh yes you did,” Mary said, “the problem is that you don’t even know enough about this Katie Waller who I look like to even have a decent judgment on what you wanted.”
“OKAY, OKAY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” Klaper cried. “I’ve had it with this whole I hate you well I hate you too arguing!” Matthew was stunned. This was the first time he had seen Klaper blowup at him like that. “Now are you interested in knowing what the impending battle is that could get you killed or not?”
Nobody moved. Matthew was still in awe at Klaper’s outburst and at the same time, wanted to know what it was that could kill him. Mary already knew what the issue was and was merely board…or at least tired of arguing her way out of being someone else’s with the wishing star and also just plain arguing with Matthew. Either way, she was really only interested because she was there, and it could lead to her freedom.
“Now,” Klaper said, “we’ve been fighting a group of Shipgoes for the past 30 years. It’s a crusade. The Shipgoes are from the planet Splirk which is the next planet over. They seek the holy grail and they think it’s on the Planet Stroganoff,” he said.
Matthew was stunned. He wasn’t sure what it was that surprised him more. It could have been the fact that the Shipgoes were looking for the holy grail on the planet or that they were from the planet Splirk as opposed to the Planet Stroganoff which doesn’t sound anything like a planet while the Splirk does. But the only thing he could ask was, “so they came to the Planet Stroganoff to find the cup of Jesus?”
“No,” Klaper said. “That would be the Holy Grail in your dimension. The Shipgoes have been looking for a holy grail of their religion. Their fundamentalist in their religion and think everyone knows what they’re looking for. But honestly, no one on this planet has any idea.”
Matthew went from confusion to fear to excitement to fear to confusion to fear again. He was always interested in the concept of finding the Holy Grail, he just didn’t think it would be one for a religion foreign from any he’s ever either studied or read about. He was excited for the quest to find a holy grail. Mary wasn’t because she simply had to follow him since those were the rules. Klaper felt the need to explain one more thing…
“You look like you’re gearing up to look for it to find it yourself,” he said. “Let me just say that I have no idea where it is but we all think it wound up in your dimension if anything. It might explain why we can’t find it here. And what we really need is someone who can do battle with them.”
Matthew thought and then said, “but don’t you think if we could find it, and then give it to them, they may stop fighting?”
“That’s a good point,” Klaper said, “but first we’d have to figure out what it looks like.”
“I know someone who might know,” Mary said, “or maybe at least studied it before. You know, it would be that much closer to you dying”
Matthew didn’t really like the sound of that but expected it from Mary. He asked who could help and she asked him to take her to the sea. Klaper lead them to the sea where Mary pointed out a ship that appeared to double as a submarine. Klaper said that it was a pirate ship and, being a holy man, couldn’t go near, so he left Matthew and Mary to go to the ship. When they made it to the ship, Mary called out to one of the men on board. “Is your captain on board?”
The man nodded and went to the captain’s quarters. Matthew turned to Mary and asked, “how exactly do you know the captain?”
“Oh, he used to be a wind-gnome as well,” she said. “But he went to the path and asked to be human. So he was made into a human. But you should know that he’s a very unusual pirate. And he will have a ball with you, trust me, Matthew of the IHOP Restroom.”
“Oh great,” he said, “he going to go calling me that as well?”
“You’ll see exactly what I mean,” Mary said.