Matthew of the IHOP Restroom Part 2

Matthew sat down in the holy man’s office and waited for about thirty minutes. He hated waiting; always had. In the thirty minutes he was there, he came to the conclusion that he seemed to be on Earth. Nothing about the place suggested to him that he was on a distant planet. What got him was that it seemed he was in a mixture of the Roman Empire during the time of Caesar with a Religious sect involved. Finally, the holy man entered the office.
“Sorry it took me so long to get here, Matthew of the IHOP Restroom,” he said with what seemed to be the most sincere of apologies. “I had to go stand in a flowing river to purge myself before I could be in my office with you since you are, after all, the chosen one.”
“Well, okay, you are the holy man,” Matthew said. He didn’t want to get in the way of whatever religion the guy had that made him such a spectacle that the holy man had to go purge himself ritually of any sins by standing in flowing water. He frankly didn’t care. What he really wanted to know was where he was and why he was there.
“Matthew of the IHOP Restroom, please allow me to introduce myself.” He paused. Matthew waited for him to introduce himself. He did nothing. That was with the exception of after thirty seconds, he changed his tactics to begging, “Please, Matthew of the IHOP Restroom, Please, I implore you to allow me to introduce myself.”
“Okay,” Matthew said, “please, go ahead and introduce yourself.” Matthew didn’t get why he had to beg like that. But as before, he just assumed it was one of those ritual things certain holy men had to do.
“Thank you, Matthew, of the IHOP Restroom,” he started. “My name is Klapertoes McAmsterdam. I am the high priest of the land of Nude.”
“Klapertoes McAmsterdam?” Matthew questioned. “Would you mind if I just called you Klaper?”
“If you so wish, Matthew of the IHOP Restroom.” Matthew was starting to get tired of having his name associated with the IHOP restroom. But he didn’t want to interrupt Klaper anymore or else he’d never find out why he was there. “Anyway, this is the land of Nude. You may also want to know that this is the planet Stroganoff in the 18th dimension. We…”
“Whoa!” cried Matthew. “Planet Stroganoff in the 18th dimension? How can this be?”
Klaper was shocked at the fact that it shocked Matthew. “Well, as you know, Matthew of the IHOP restroom,” Matthew, who had had it with that begged him to just call him Matthew when he was talking to him and seeing as how he made Matthew beg, Klaper promised and then went on. “The second dimension is on a flat piece of paper. The third dimension is, where you’re from I believe, where things stick out and are not flat. The fourth dimension is time. The fifth through the 17th are psychological, mental, spiritual, super natural, superficial, and a combination of space and time in with those. And the 18th dimension is where all of the previous combine into one.”
“So what you’re trying to tell me,” Matthew said, “is…” Matthew didn’t honestly have an idea. He thought he did but it escaped him.
“Everything you would call science fiction and fantasy where you’re from would be reality here,” Klaper said.
“Okay then, now, would you mind telling me why I’m here?” Matthew asked.
“Because you are the chosen one!” said Klaper. “Fate has brought you here.” Matthew didn’t like the sound of that. The only reason, he thought, that fate brought him there was that he had to use the restroom at that exact moment. Fate had nothing to do with it. It was a necessity. Klaper continued. “Anyone could have come through the portal but it was you who came.”
“That’s been established already,” Matthew said, “everyone knows I came here because I’m the one who stepped through the portal. What I want to know was why there was a portal sent for me to go through?”
“Oh, well, if that’s all you wanted to know, why didn’t you just ask?” Klaper asked. “A portal was sent to get you because there is a battle of epic proportions being fought and you need to lead it.”
“Shouldn’t you have gotten someone already?”
“We did,” Klaper said. “We celebrated his coming, showed him around, sent him out in battle and he died.”
Matthew felt uneasy. He wanted an explanation as to why he was now chosen and the term fate wasn’t good enough for him. But in reality, he didn’t even believe he was the one who was supposed to be there. Fate could have brought anyone there. If they needed someone who could prepare a chocolate dipped cone, he was there man. If they needed to know an alternative version to “Werewolves Of London,” he was there man. They want someone to fight a war, he needed something. And no Oreo Mint Blizzard was going to help them fight the war. “How are we supposed to fight?” Matthew asked.
“Oh, that I can’t tell you,” Klaper said, “It’s classified.” Matthew dropped his jaw. “Look, Matthew of the IHOP Rest…oh, yeah, sorry, look Matthew, just because you’re the Chosen One doesn’t mean we can tell you all of our secrets. You’re an outsider.” Matthew’s look of despair, confusion and whatever that look is that reminds drivers of deer with headlights in their eyes convinced Klaper that he couldn’t just conceal it. “Okay fine,” he said, “I’ll explain it all to you when we go to the Path of Desire and the Path of Necessity.